October 2011, a beautiful sunny day, a house full of kids and babies of all ages, the sights, sounds and smells of fall in the air, I was soaking in the joy of the day while sitting on the floor feeding 3 babies their lunch. It was a busy week for my in-home child care due to fall break, and loving every moment of it. In an instant, I felt a severe quickening in my gut to wake a baby up from his morning nap mid spoonful of food into a 4 month olds mouth. The napping 13 week old baby boy never woke up. He had a silent mrsa infection in his gut that spread to his lungs like a wild fire and as I performed cpr fluid was pouring out of his mouth and nose. He was pronounced dead a few hours later at the hospital.
Summer 2024, my cousin informed me that my dad had contracted cancer and was given a year to live. I had been estranged from my family for almost 16 years. Since 2020, I had tried testing the waters with texts, emails, notes in the mail to see if reconciliation was possible. One of my greatest deepest heart prayers since December of 2008 was a reconciled family. I had been praying and asking the Lord what to do, we had a year to get this prayer answered! Time was running out. My cousin called me and said dad was admitted to the hospital and wasn’t doing well, she didn’t have many details, but I knew we didn’t have a year. I told my husband we need to go see him now! We rented a car and made the 16 hour drive to their town, but I didn’t know what hospital he was at, so I called everyone I could think of, but no one took my calls. Finally, as we were driving straight into a tropical storm we reached their city limits and my brothers called and said they wouldn’t tell me where he was and I wasn’t allowed to see my dad per my mothers command. In a state of shock we made our way home, but we took our time. I woke up 2 days later in our hotel room and the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, he is with me now. Moments later my uncle accidentally butt dialed me and told me the news. Also, there would be no memorial service for him.
September 2024, a dear friend texted me pleading for prayer for her mama. She got very sick while out of state visiting others and she needed critical care as well as transportation back home to get the critical care she needed. It took a week to get her home, God provided, then things went south again so we prayed, she would turn around. Moments and glimmers of hope in the midst of trials. I knew in my heart this was her mama’s end, but I was holding onto hope because we serve a God of miracles! After a roller coaster in the hospital she passed this past week.
No one is safe from experiencing grief.
Nothing in the world can prepare you for grief. Nothing
I hold fast to the belief that when God formed us in His image, he designed us with the intention to live. We were created for life! Therefore, processing disappointment, death, or betrayal feels so foreign and unnatural because it goes against what is encoded in our dna! Loss goes against our very nature!
I am not here to address the question as to why? I am not convinced that is a question that can be answered in the here and now. I am here to offer practical support to help you get through.
Grief is not a mental disorder, sobbing uncontrollably is not an indicator you are mentally ill. It’s a natural response to loss. Different tears produce different chemical processes to help your body stabilize and balance itself. The uncontrollable flow of tears are your body’s desperate way to deal with loss and bring back balance to every cell in your being. Don’t hold back. You will eventually stop crying all the time as your body attempts homeostasis, but squashing or pushing down this emotional response will only force the body to try and recalibrate a different way, and sometimes that manifests as auto-immunity, and possible organ diseases.
Not crying is a shock response, and is ok as well! Your body may need a different way to process, like exercise, hitting a punching bag, talking it out. Not crying is also not an indicator that something is wrong with you, it just means your body is looking for a different means to balance itself. Paint the picture, go for the run, do something physical.
Some people can’t eat and others want all the food! You may switch back and forth between moments of being famished and wanting to fast for eternity. That’s ok, in a stressful state digestion is not a priority for your body, be gentle with yourself. You don’t need to eat, just stay hydrated! Broths and soups are a good gentle source of supportive nutrients that bring not only comfort to the body but the soul too.
Movement, there are moments your body needs to just do nothing and rest, and moments when movement is key to your grief process. If possible whether you sit or walk it helps to get outside in the fresh air, especially get into the sun (even cloudy skies provide enough light source to calibrate cells), and listen to nature.
Some other practical ways to support yourself or others while walking through grief:
-Minerals! Stress depletes your body of minerals so add some electrolytes to your water.
-Stay Hydrated!
-Slow down and breathe deep
-Homeopathy is a great support tool! My favorite go to for stress is ignatia.
-Give yourself time and space to reflect and process.
-Be with other people you feel safe around
In the moments of loss, grief, disappointment, betrayal, and excruciating hurt, it helps to remember we have a wonderful loving God who longs to hold our hurts for us. He longs to hold us.
In every season of grief, I will always hear the words, "you're not acting how I would expect you to act." - I mean come on, that's the dumbest thing to say, don't ever judge HOW someone is manifesting their grief. There is no right way.
The only right way to support someone in a time of grief, is to offer your tears, your ears, your acts of kindness, and your understanding.
I leave you with this :
We are gifted with the promise to cling to in Revelation 21:4
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”